I hate those blindside-you-Mommy-Moments. The ones that sneak up on you and make your heart hurt and the tears flow. When you catch your breath and squeeze your eyes tight and wish time didn't fly by so damn fast.
I had one of those moments tonight.
Today is my Nanny's birthday. She would have been 69. She lost her battle to breast cancer 2.5 years ago and I miss her terribly. Tonight while I was putting Kaleigh to bed and she was saying her prayers, she told God to tell Nanny *Happy Birthday*. I was listening to her and watching her and wishing Nanny could see the beautiful and sweet (and so smart) little girl she is today. I wish Kaleigh could grow up with Nanny in her life like I did. Nanny loved her family so so much and always put them first. She was always there for us anytime and for anything. Kaleigh's life would be so richer to have Nanny in it. Now before I go off on that tangent about Nanny and cry some more I'll get back to my Mommy Moment.
Normally after Kaleigh says her prayer I'll tuck her in, turn on her CD player, turn off the light, kiss her good night, and leave the room while she goes to sleep. Tonight I was in the mood to lie with her until she fell asleep. I rubbed her back and sang to her as she dozed. There are 4 different songs that I used to sing to her at bedtime when she was a baby. As I sang them tonight I had flashbacks to when she was a baby and you moms know what that's like. It hurts. And I laid there with her and cried.
Don't get me wrong... I love the little girl she is today. She's sweet and beautiful and smart and creative and her mind amazes me all the time. I love the girl time we have... crafting, shopping, talking, singing. Each year does get better but why does it have to go so fast? Why in one moment am I rocking my baby to sleep and the next I'm dropping her off at school, watching her walk away into a world without me? Why are the days so long but the years so short? Why does being a Mommy have to be so hard?
Whew, sorry for the heavy stuff but that's what's on my heart tonight. Being a Mommy is the most rewarding, amazing, awesome thing in the world but it's the most emotional.
Time to up my Lexapro. ;)
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